Feelings are widely misunderstood. Even by psychologists, philosophers, and neuroscientists. But if we look at them right — in terms of the the work they do in us — we can learn a lot.

Here, I’ll start with an understanding of emotions and see what it has to say about words like integrity and wisdom. At the end, I’ll talk about helping others find their feelings and values.

The Work Feelings Do

Here’s the key idea:

Every feeling is a reminder of something important to us.

So:

• Anger tells us that something important to us is blocked
• Fear, that something important to us is threatened
• Shame, that we haven’t been living up to something important to us
• Confusion, that we’re missing a conception of something important to us
• and so on

We learn about what’s important to us through our feelings. We learn about what we value.

And feelings help us reevaluate how we’re doing with what we value. Positive feelings remind us embrace or notice what’s important to us. Negative feelings do more: a negative feeling signals a conflict between our values that we have to think about:

• Perhaps we were pursuing value B but we forgot about value A. For instance, I was trying to be effective but I forgot that it was also important to me to be kind. This might result in embarrassment.
• Or perhaps we are neglecting value B because we think it’s impossible to do both. For instance, I may think it’s impossible to pursue my interest in creative work while supporting my family, but both are important to me. This could result in frustration or yearning.

There are many other types of conflict. But feelings are there to tell us we have to grapple with these conflicts, not just skip over them. Feelings remind us to ask ourselves questions like:

• Can I be kind and effective?
• Actually do I really believe in being effective, or maybe it’s always more important to me to be kind?
• Is it really impossible to pursue creative work while supporting my family?
• What would actually happen if I stopped supporting my family?

Often these are questions we don’t want to ask. But the feelings keep coming until we do. Until we take time to reconcile all these conflicts as best we can, there’s a gap between how we’re living and what’s important to us. This gap means we can’t be proud of who we are. So, we have to grapple with conflicts to accept ourselves and the choices we make.

Integrity

People are sometimes deaf to these messages in feelings. This deafness comes in three flavors:

• Repression. If a person doesn’t know they have feelings, or doesn’t let themselves feel them, they’re repressing them. Feelings can go away entirely when you repress them. A person becomes numb, depressed, or anxious.
• Venting. Other people do feel their feelings, but they aren’t taken seriously as carriers of what’s important. The feelings come back again and again, and the person becomes melodramatic.
• Avoidance. A third group gets all the way to recognizing what’s important, but doesn’t grapple with the conflicts revealed or reconcile them. People who do this will be perpetually lost, conflicted, confused, and escapist.

To avoid these problems, feel all the way through the situations of your life, starting with the emotions, ending with a reconciliation of values:

feeling → appreciating → grappling → reconciling

Someone who’s felt through all their situations has integrity. They’re grounded. Integrity means they know what’s important to them and they’ve grappled with all the conflicts.

Integrity is easiest when your situation changes slowly: you have lots of time to notice your feelings, to find out what’s important to you, and to grapple with conflicts.